The Temptation of Online Dating During Free Time
6/17/20263 min read
Today my kids go back with my ex-wife.
I always dread these days. Not because I don't want them to have a relationship with their mom, but because when they're gone, I think about them constantly. I wonder if they're okay. I wonder if they're safe. I wonder what they're doing. As a parent, especially after everything I've been through, it's hard to turn those thoughts off.
The house gets quiet.
I look around and see all the things I need to do. There is housework waiting for me. Projects I should start. Things that need cleaned and organized. I know exactly what I need to do.
Then I sit down on the couch.
And I think.
Or maybe the better way to say it is that I get lost in my thoughts. Hours can pass before I realize I've accomplished nothing. My mind goes from one thing to another, and before I know it, half the day is gone.
It's been four years since I've had a girlfriend.
I dated one girl briefly, but after only a few days I realized it wasn't going to work. Since my divorce, I've tried online dating, but that experience has been difficult. When my divorce first started, I was scammed out of a lot of money by people pretending to care about me. Since then, I've learned to be careful.
Most conversations online seem to revolve around money, sex, or people pretending to be someone they're not. Fake profiles are everywhere. After being taken advantage of before, it's hard to trust anyone.
Having a brain injury makes loneliness complicated.
People sometimes think the injury is only about memory problems, but it affects so much more than that. It changes how you process situations, how you trust people, and how vulnerable you can be to manipulation. Looking back, I can see a pattern in my life. Salespeople talked me into things I didn't need. Friends took advantage of my generosity. Some people saw weakness and used it for their own benefit.
Eventually, you start putting your guard up.
The problem is that when you're always on guard, it's difficult to let people in.
Today, I don't have many friends. I have one good friend who lives far away, and I'm grateful for her. But like anyone else, I want connection. I want to go on a date. I want to share life with someone. I want to feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself.
Sometimes that's hard to admit.
The interesting thing is that my brain injury has also given me a few unexpected gifts.
If I choose to move on from something, eventually the memories fade. Time passes quickly. And even though I'm getting older, I still feel like I'm eighteen years old in many ways.
I think that actually helps me as a father.
I'm excited about the things my kids are excited about. I love seeing their faces light up when something makes them happy. I still get excited for Christmas every year. It's my favorite holiday, and probably always will be. Watching my children experience that excitement reminds me that life is still full of wonder.
Maybe that's one of the lessons I've learned.
Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned. People disappoint us. We get hurt. We lose things. We lose people. We spend days sitting on a couch wondering what comes next.
But we keep going.
We keep loving our children.
We keep hoping.
We keep believing that tomorrow might bring something better.
For now, that's all I can think of. If history is any indication, I'll remember more later. I always do.
Until then, have a good day.